UNREQUITED

It was another Thursday; my lecture free day and we were supposed to meet up. I picked up my phone; still no message or missed call from him. I wanted to call so badly but I knew it could only land me in trouble. He never liked it when I called and I was okay with it; this relationship was only about him. This Thursday was not normal. I glanced at my wall clock again and saw that it was already 4:33pm; he was supposed to invite me over by 4pm. It was our ritual.

‘Hey, where are you?’ The text got delivered. A knock came from the door and I hastily dropped the phone, desperately wishing it was him. Did he change his mind? Maybe he went out and just decided to come here?

‘He never randomly comes here,’ my hopes came crashing down with that thought. It was true. He never came over unless he forgot something and when he does, he never enters. However, a part of me still desperately hoped it was him.

“I’m coming!” I yelled, hastily making my bed, simultaneously putting away the loads of clothes I had tried on before I finally settled for the short yellow gown I was wearing. I looked around and saw the slightly folded curtain. I rushed to the window and drew it perfectly, arranged the seams at the top and looked around again. When I was satisfied that everything was in order, I unlocked the door as I adjusted my gown but my smile froze on my face when I saw my friend, Tolu behind the door, grinning like an idiot.

“Ha! Are you sick? Why did you scare me like that? I thought you were someone else!”

“Kiloshele. Ha! Your once in a month boyfriend?” he laughed out, swatting my arm playfully. When he noticed that I wasn’t laughing with him, he sobered up, made the zipping gesture on his lips, and then subsequently burst into laughter again.

“I swear you’re a big idiot. Was that supposed to be a joke?” I narrowed my eyes angrily and hit his arm hard.

“Wait, mabinu now, it just that every other person asides you know that he’s only toying with your feeling. You deserve so much more but never mind sha. Why don’t you just go to his place?”

It wasn’t really a bad idea but Yinka was unpredictable and I didn’t want to test his patience. “Alright, thanks. What did you want?”

“I just came back from campus and decided to check on you. I’ll come over later, we get talk.”

He walked away and I leaned against the door. Eventually, I came to the conclusion that a man can only die once, therefore,I went in, picked my phone and dialed his number. I called six times, no answer.

Fifteen minutes later, I was banging on the back gate to his house, with no response. The gate man peeped out through the small hole in the gate and told me to go take the other gate. I thanked him and proceeded to take the long route to where the main gate was.

The compound was dead silent as usual, no sign of activities or life at all. I pushed the gate open and entered the compound.

‘I really hope he doesn’t get angry at this o,’ I prayed desperately. My mind flashed back to his incessant warnings for me not to come looking for him unless he invites me over. I continued my walk; however when I passed his window, I noticed that the curtains were drawn, the lights off and the TV reflection and sound were seen and heard in the background.

I looked up and saw the gathering cloud.

‘Wow, the weather changed so quickly,’ I muttered to myself, continued walking towards his room and prayed that the rain wouldn’t start anytime soon.

I removed my sandal and noticed a female sandal beside mine. I banged on the door. I was okay with seeing the sandal. I really was. Although imagining what was happening behind the door hurt badly inside, it was perfectly okay because I was used to it. My brain told me to turn back and just go home but my heart needed to know. There was that part of me, no matter how small, that was weak.

“Yinka, are you around?” I rechecked the lock and noticed the absence of a padlock where it was supposed to be. ’He’s around.’ I knocked again, harder this time.

The door swung open and there he was, blocking the door with his body and barring me from entering. I looked at him with a full smile but it froze when I saw the storm in his eyes.

“What are you looking for? I already told you not to come here unless you call or I invite you.” He whispered.

I shifted uncomfortably before looking at the ground. “I’m sorry. I tried your number and you weren’t answering, so I decided to check on you since we were supposed to see earlier today.” I rambled off with my heart in my throat. I had gotten him angry.

“Baby , who’s at the door?”

Sadness crawled all over me, I looked into his eyes and he stared back with a hard, penetrating gaze. I felt stupid.

Someone opened the door all the way and she came into view. Impeccably dressed in jeans and a pink top, she looked very sophisticated and I shrank into myself.

“Oh, who’s she?” she looked at me and smiled broadly. “Come in!” she chirped. I smiled at him but he wasn’t even looking at me. He was looking at her; with so much warmth and adoration. Why was he looking at her like that? He never looked at me that way.

He hated anything pink. I remembered how he once ranted when I wore it that I looked immature and childish. I stopped wearing pink since then. The same pink she wore proudly and he seemingly loved on her. She ushered me into the room and I sat carefully on the couch.

“I’m Bukky.” She extended her hand and I shook it lightly but managed to introduce myself too. I was so weak. She jumped on the bed, totally relaxed and at home. He just stood there by the door, challenging me with his eyes to spill the beans. I knew the threat beneath the challenge and I gave him a dirty look.

It started to rain outside, just like in movies where rain follows the heartbreak of the protagonist. It had always been a little weird in my opinion when I see it in movies; attributing the rain to sadness but at that moment, I knew the movies were right. Rain came across to me as something resembling sadness and despair.

Sometimes-all the time, I wondered what my life would be like if he felt the same way I felt about him. I was okay with the little bits of attention he threw my way when he wanted to. But then again, when reality dawned and I saw how real relationships worked, it destroyed my fantasy of ever being of the receiving end of his affection. Reality is cruel and that moment was a defining moment for me. I had never felt so weak- so fragile and that moment, I hated cliché movies. Because outside it was raining hard.

I just sat there as I watched him sit beside her on the bed.

“So Jummy, how did you meet Yinka?” she asked excitedly.

“She’s my neighbor’s friend, we met through her.” Yinka answered, his voice gruff as he looked at me apologetically, telling me how sorry he was without actually saying it; begging me not to say anything otherwise and promising to make it up to me.

I smiled at her and nodded affirmatively. My heart was breaking, matching the sound of the thunder cracking wildly outside. I looked at my phone, it was a little past 6pm but I looked outside the partly opened curtain and saw that it was darker outside than it should be.

Never had I imagined myself in that state. I didn’t like the salt water that was threatening to spill down my dry cheeks onto my chapped lips. I never gave him the satisfaction of seeing me break or her the chance to ask me what was happening.

“I’m leaving.” I got up abruptly and swung the door open. I didn’t wait to hear her protests or advise to wait for the rain before I ran out of the building. I leaned heavily on the wall at the back of the house and cried softly but bitterly. I was so tired of the hopeless, one-sided love but I knew I would come back again and again until hopefully, he realized his wrong choices and finally knew I could be good enough for him.

I felt his presence before I saw him. He pulled me off the wall and hugged me tight.

“I’m so sorry.” He whispered and I nodded in acknowledgement.

He lifted my head and lowered his mouth onto mine. He kissed me so tenderly and I responded hungrily. When he was done, he left me there and went back inside.

I walked home. Crying in the rain.