HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU

No one should ever assume a relationship is happening unless there’s a reason to believe so; not without coming out to clearly have a conversation about what exactly is happening, and certainly not without having the dreaded ‘define the relationship’ talk if the need arises. I’ve seen it play out in some of my previous relationships and friendships, and some my friends’ relationships. Many a times,  ladies are the ones who start the “what we are/ are we in a relationship” conversation; perhaps because it is us who get attached quickly when we see someone we like- we don’t hold back and we certainly don’t pause too much to think things through. With one of my exes,  it wasn’t until about 6 months of intimacy that I finally asked: “what we are?” and he was like “well, you’re my girlfriend, right?”

I remember two years ago when I was friends with this very nice guy; we saw each other almost every week, I knew his closest friends, he knew mine, we went on dates, we goofed around and we were totally free with each other. So after months of this, I wasn’t sure if we were anything other than friends or just friends with benefits because sometimes it did feel like something more, but I was a coward and I feared that if I asked him what we were, he would tell me that were nothing more than friends. In my head, I had planned an entire future for us. I had decorated our future home, and named our 6 kids. I finally got the courage to ask one day and after fidgeting for over an hour, I finally asked the question and he just started laughing like what I said was funny.

“Jummy, we’re just friends now. What else?” I felt my heart drop but gave him what I doubted was a bright smile. I was heartbroken; but I had little blame for him at the end of the day. He didn’t sell me pipe dreams. He didn’t make me any promises, or give me the hopes of a life together. I did all of that on my own. To him, I was just one of the regular people in his life. That heartbreak, I set myself up for it.

Now, to be fair, most ladies don’t give men such rude, point-blank answers. What do we actually do instead? We stop returning his calls and hope he gets the clue that we don’t like him. In short, to keep the peace and avoid conflict, you either do the slow fade of not calling him back immediately or you cut him off completely.

The problem is that with guys, it’s much more. Guys don’t have to say “I love you” to get you to like them. You want to see where you stand with a man? Don’t pay attention to how lively your interactions are or how much of a perfect fit he is for you. The day he gets to know that maybe you like him as more than a friend is the day exploitation begins. For the extremely bad ones, they get you close to them; at this stage, you’ve got to understand that he doesn’t exactly want to hurt you but doesn’t care if you eventually get hurt- also understand that he doesn’t want you to fall in love with him you because it’s in his self-interest to make you have affection for him and keeping it at just that- without having to feel like he’s responsible for leading you on; and understand that everything he does next is designed to keep you interested in him without allowing you to fall in love with him. The good guys however act like my friend did and just tell you that they aren’t so into you and the most wonderful part? They never take advantage of their knowledge of your affection for them.

However, in situations where sex already happened before you ask to define the relationship, it’s even far more complicated than anything else. If he’s already planning his exit strategy, he may be honourable enough to say, “I think we made a mistake. Good luck in life.” Or he may just weigh the pros and cons of leaving you in his life and whether your affection would end up being a burden to him. If he’s not honourable, he may decide to weaponise your affections for him, leave you breadcrumbs of affection in return- enough for him to enjoy relationship benefits from you with absolutely no intention of ever being in a relationship with you. He could also decide to stay on the sidelines and  watch you actively throw affection his way; with no reciprocity- banking on you leaving by yourself when you get tired of trying to fill a basket with spoonfuls of water.

If he wasn’t already planning his exit strategy, then he’s more likely going to do something like: give you a long silence after you ask and say he doesn’t know, a few days of silence afterwards because he doesn’t want you to get attached. Another text a few days later to say he’s thinking of you, but he’s been busy. A text a week later at 9pm to ask what you’re doing right now. Or scantier calls than what you’re both used to. Babe, at this point your guy is just trying to find that delicate balance of keeping you in his life without you falling hard for him. Or finding ways to make you lose interest in him without being the one to expressly state it.

This is why I’m saying that some men are honest with us even though it can be hard to read. While he’s actively doing this, he’s not talking about meeting your family, he’s not making you empty promises, he’s not talking about the names of the kids you’ll never have together, he’s not talking about love and marriage. Baby, he’s not even talking about hanging out and a movie! He’s mostly keeping in touch with texts and hoping that you coast on your attraction to him without ever second guessing his lack of effort. He hasn’t lied to you. He hasn’t promised you anything. He hasn’t done anything after sleeping with you that indicates that he’s serious about you. So, reward this kind guy for trying to protect your feelings by CUTTING HIM OFF ENTIRELY.

You can be honourable enough to send him a text and telling him that you understand what’s going on, and then tell him you need a serious relationship and not a sex-only friendship. He’ll do one of two things: Pick up the phone and call you because you have a burgeoning relationship or good friendship that’s worth preserving and he can’t stand to let you go, or in all likelihood, he’ll text you:

“Too bad. I understand though. Good luck to you!”

So stop blaming them for sleeping with you, and then keeping their distance. Or being aware of your affection for them, consciously fanning the flames with no intention to reciprocate. For some guys, they desperately and consciously preserve a lady’s interest in them because it’s what fuels their ego; it’s the only thing that makes them feel better about themselves. But at the same time, you will always know; that tiny voice in your head screaming and raising alarm? It’s mostly right. If you start listening to their silences, you can finally hear the whole truth. It is worthy to note however that in less complicated cases, the handwriting is normally written in big bold fonts on the wall. It needs no saying. You know it.

He only wants to hook up. Maybe he actually does want to spend time alone with you, but only at odd times and places. In case it’s not obvious already, he only either sees you as a hookup for casual sex, or a massage for his self esteem. He has no intention of committing to a relationship with you. Some guys even refer to you as their little sister or continuously calls you their ‘friend’. It’s not unusual for male friends to think of their female friends as sisters. Unless he’s a pervert, he’s never going to want to date someone he considers his sister. This is a sure sign you’ve been friend zoned permanently. It might change in rare cases, but I wouldn’t count on it.

Some tell you point blank. There’s no clearer sign that he’s never going to be your boyfriend than when he says it. If you keep pressing the issue, he’s going to just start avoiding you completely or take full advantage of you. Respect his wishes and don’t get obsessive. He may try to hook you up with his friends. Just because he doesn’t want to be with you doesn’t mean he’s blind. Any great guy does what he can to find a good woman for his friends. Believe me, if a guy’s interested in you, he’s not going to play matchmaker. Jealousy works. A guy might seem oblivious until you flirt with other guys in front of him. If he’s the least bit interested, he’ll get jealous. Trust me, you’ll notice. If he’s not interested, he won’t care. He might even encourage you or play wing man.

Note this: contact is sporadic at best. When it comes to their friends, guys don’t have any set rules about contact. With a girlfriend or even a potential girlfriend, they know to respond to calls and texts quickly and try not to go more than a few days without talking. If he has no interest in being your boyfriend, you might always be the one texting him or he might call you one week and wait a month before calling again.

I know it’s hard to admit, but you’re just going to have to let this one go. There’s another guy just waiting for you to make a move; to see him and give him a faction of attention. Don’t disappoint him by wasting time on a guy who’s never going to be yours.