RukkyI’ve done horrible things to myself before in the name of keeping a man. The kind that left me reeling in shame and 4 years later and asking myself, “What was I thinking? How could I have done that?” I was massively guilty of giving up what I wanted and losing touch with my own identity for the sake of keeping a man. But we don’t just lose ourselves in our romantic relationships. Why? Primarily we do it because we think that we need some external thing to make us valuable. Although we are not even consciously aware of it, what we are actually telling ourselves is that we need this thing whatever it is in order to be worthy. We need it because it makes us feel safe. Unfortunately, our brains are wired to choose safety even when it’s not really safe or healthy for us at all.
If you are like me, you might not even be aware that it’s happening. I knew that something was going on with my life. I chose, instead, to keep shoving my head in the sand and focusing on anything and everything else but what was really begging for my attention. Me. If you love yourself, and find yourself loving yourself less so with the person you’re dating, then there’s a big problem, especially if they’re specifically doing and telling you things that change your perception about yourself. No one should ever intentionally bring you down, nor should they neglect to make changes to correct the problem if they’re accidentally bringing you down. The whole point of being with another person is to improve your life; you should never be content with feeling less than confident about yourself when you’re dating someone.
The most important thing to never change is your sense of self. You are a whole person all on your own, and you should never change to become less than you are for anyone. You should always be your shining, crazy, weird, normal, loud, quiet, smart, silly, pretty, ugly self. Whatever it is that you are, you should always be that, and you should have a firm grasp on it. At the end of the day, it’s having a strong sense of self that will make you truly happy—and no relationship will ever be able to fill the void that’s left when you’ve lost yourself. There’s one thing we should all aim for when looking for love: Finding someone who accepts and loves us just as we are. Settling for anything less than that will set you up for heartbreak. If he/she can’t recognize that you’re both imperfect, flawed people, the cracks will eventually begin to show.
What you want from a relationship is what you want from a relationship. Too many times, I’ve heard people make excuses for their relationships not living up to their expectations of it, and sticking with it anyway, because they think that the answer is to change their priorities. It’s not! The answer is to either ask for what you want, or to move on and find what it is you’re looking for. There’s no need to change your expectations just because the relationship isn’t meeting them. It just means you might be in the wrong relationship, or you haven’t been clear enough about your desires.
What do people describe you with when they introduce you to other people? How quick-witted and funny you are? Whatever your unique, shining qualities are, don’t let them go dull for the sake of a relationship. If you have been told by many people that a certain unique characteristic is a positive asset, don’t change it for the one person who criticizes it. Maybe you are outgoing and friendly but this makes your partner jealous or perhaps you’re free-spirited but your partner gets infuriated by your lack of planning. If your boyfriend or girlfriend feels that something about you needs to be “fixed,” consider it a big red flag.
In order to save myself, I have had to learn how to speak up for myself. I had to tell my ex-boyfriend that he had hurt my feelings or pissed me off even though I still harboured a secret fear of abandonment. Once you’ve established what you need, you have to ask for it: from yourself and from your partner. You have to be willing to draw a line in the sand about what you are willing to live with. You have to be able to live with yourself and letting others run your life is no way to live at all. Just say no. Generally when you’re dating; if changing/adapting/expanding part of your personality makes you harder, better, stronger, faster, then that’s a good thing. However, if you find yourself changing in ways that detract from your happiness, put you at risk of losing your identity, or alienate you from the things and people you care about, then you’ve got to reevaluate whether or not you’re giving up too much for someone else.
Most importantly, you don’t want to be dating anyone that makes unreasonable demands about how you should alter yourself to suit the relationship. Again, there are reasonable requests: “Please don’t have sex with other people, think about me when you’re making decisions, don’t call me names when we’re fighting, don’t insult my sensibilities.” But then there are unreasonable requests too, and in order to be in a happy relationship, you have to be able to distinguish the two from each other. It’s also important to be aware that changing yourself isn’t always a request from someone else; sometimes it’s something you do because you think it will make you more desirable or more like the person you’re dating. Which is why it’s important to remember that the person you’re dating is dating you specifically because you are YOU and not because you are some magical notion either they or you have dreamed up.
If you have standards of how you want to be treated by other people, don’t lessen them because the person you’re dating isn’t living up to them. There’s nothing wrong with the standard you set; the problem comes if the person you’re with isn’t willing to meet those standards. How you ask other people to treat you isn’t up for compromise. If you have realistic expectations about being treated with respect, you shouldn’t budge on that just because the person you like happens to treat you poorly. You can always find someone who will treat you the way you want to be treated, so don’t settle for less.
You should never, ever change your core values because the person you’re dating has different ones. It’s okay if you lean left and they lean right. It can even be healthy for conversation, in terms of challenging one another, and giving each other a broader perspective on things Otherwise, carry on with what you’re passionate about, and enjoy the fact that sometimes having differences is more important than being someone’s doormat.
You should never change your friends for the person you’re dating. It’s okay if boo doesn’t like one of your friends. They don’t need to hang out, you chose them and you love them and when things go sour with boo, your friend is the one who is going to be there. If someone ever asks you to give up a friend with no good reason, just because they don’t really like them, then you need to think about why you’re in that relationship to begin with. The person you’re dating should want you to be happy, and your friends are one element in that happiness, and you should always maintain your friendships, even when you’re in love.
Don’t give up your career for someone. Just don’t. You don’t know the future. You don’t know if they’re going to be there down the road. But you are going to be there, and if you start giving up work-related things for your relationship, you might find yourself completely off track in your career, questioning yourself and your direction, not to mention being loaded with a bevy of regrets if the relationship ends. Bottom line: a good relationship would never require you to sacrifice your career. If being with someone, for whatever reason, seems to necessitate your giving up your professional agenda, then that definitively means that’s not the right relationship for you.
Finally, you have to take personal accountability. You have to own that your life is the result of choices that you’ve made. Don’t like your life? Make a different choice. Start by choosing to heal the most important relationship of your life- the one you have with yourself.
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