DEAR ‘SIDECHICK’,

He’s made promises, he’s made plans with you, he’s involved you in starting a new business. He says he loves you more than he’s ever loved anyone. He berates you for questioning his ‘integrity’ or doubting his ‘love’ if you try to talk to him about his marriage, and he swears that the divorce is in the works. Face it, girl. You don’t know what he’s doing. You just want someone to love you, but you need to understand that you deserve better than to be his girl on the side. You deserve better than the crumbs he throws you after he dines with his wife. You deserve to be treated with love and respect, and that’s something you will most likely not get with a married man!

I’ve known too many women, including me, who have believed the lies of married men. Sometimes we don’t even know they’re married until we’re hooked, but don’t think that’s a coincidence. They will say or do whatever it takes to get what they want. But you don’t have to give it to them. Don’t waste the precious years of your life waiting for a man who is pretending to love you and pretending to divorce his wife. Don’t waste your youth on someone who WILL NOT be there for you when it’s gone. Don’t believe in the fairy tale. Even if he did leave her, very few men who leave their wives for another woman ever marry the other woman. And even if you did end up with him, you’d always be labelled “the woman who stole him away from his family.” Is that really something you want?

I know you think you love him, but you don’t even know him! You think you do, but you don’t. Of course, he seems perfect when he’s with you. That’s because you are his escape. When he’s with you, he’s ignoring all his responsibilities, his problems, his bills, and his issues. You are his drug and his way out of everyday life. You don’t see the way he treats his wife, his kids, his parents and his co-workers. You don’t see what a slob he is at home. You don’t see how inconsiderate and rude he is. You only see what he wants you to see. You don’t know him.

Okay, I have to admit here that there are a few guys who actually do leave their wives, get a divorce, and stay with the woman with whom they cheated. But don’t forget that everyone blames you for his choice to leave. That’s not exactly the way you’d want to start out a relationship and/or marriage. What I’m trying to make you understand is that it’s a no-win situation when you’re involved with, and in love with, a married man. While he’s playing Santa with his wife, you’re home alone. While he’s at home at nights and on weekends with his wife and kids, you’re home alone. You don’t want to commit to any other relationship, or even going out with friends, because your married man might be able to sneak away for a few minutes, and you want to be there for him if he can squeeze you into his busy schedule. You know, in between the things that are actually IMPORTANT to him.

Please show some respect for yourself. Remember–if you don’t respect yourself, no one else will, either. You deserve to be the ONLY woman in a man’s life. You deserve to be treated respectfully, with LOVE. If you respect yourself, you won’t allow yourself to be treated as if you’re a second-class citizen; someone only worthy to be a perpetual second choice. Everyone seems to think that they have this great power to lure or seduce a man away from his marriage. However, if the married man you’re cheating with gets caught or decides to confess, he’ll accuse you of stalking him, pursuing him, or even blackmailing him to get him to be with you. He’ll paint you as the biggest olosho in town, he’ll swear he never cared for you and that he’s been trying to escape your wiles from day one. He’ll say he only wanted to be your friend, or that he felt sorry for you and was only trying to help you in the beginning, but then he fell victim to your wicked ways.

I know how you feel. You care for him, or maybe you love him. You want to be with him, so you have to believe what he says in order to justify what you’re doing. He knows this, so he’s told you these sob stories about how his marriage is a joke, that they haven’t loved each other or slept together in years, that they’re only together for the sake of the kids or because he can’t afford to leave. He plays your sympathy to the point that you actually feel sorry for him! But don’t.  There might be a morsel of truth in what he’s saying, but chances are much better that he’s lying his butt off. You might think that because he’s helping you out financially, he’s sincere. Of course, he wouldn’t give you money if he didn’t love you, right? Think; that’s just one step away from being treated like a sex worker, and he’s probably seeing it that way. Men have been paying for sex forever, and it didn’t stop at your doorstep. I know that is a hard one to swallow, but it’s important for you to face this fact.

Probably my most important bit of advice for you is to really think about your life, pray very well and if things don’t change, seek help.  I’m not saying you’re crazy–far from it! I’m just saying that we all have issues that cause us to do the things we do; especially in cases where we’re making the same mistakes repeatedly. Talk therapy is good for practically everyone. Having an unbiased person to guide us in sorting through the garbage is very helpful.

Loving a married man is a devastatingly painful experience. However, it does not have to define your life and who you are. It’s something you’ve experienced- not the beginning or end of your life. And unless you intend to be a numbered wife, you will find a single man who will love you wholly, unconditionally, unashamedly. He will worship the very grounds you walk on and you will deserve every bit of love he will shower on you. You deserve more than being a dirty little secret.